An Open Letter To My Baby Brother

I shied away from the mirror for a few days after you left us. I didn't want to look in the mirror and have to see you when looking at myself. It was hard to cope with knowing soon your vessel would only be a memory for me, and my eyes were the only tangible thing I'd have to remind me of you.

I have written you countless amounts of poems since May 30th, I guess this is my way of coping with you being gone. In each poem I've had a different emotion starting out but they all end with me expressing the happiness I have for your soul's freedom. I say happiness because though my soul is at peace with your passing, right now my flesh is still hurting. I pray that one day your transition brings me the joy that I know you now have.

I always knew I'd out live you. God allowed me to accept this early on in our journey together. But knowing was not enough. There was absolutely no preparation for this earthly separation. But nevertheless I am grateful for your life as it was well lived and oh so intentional.

One poem I wrote to you started off asking you, "Who said you could leave me?" I went on to tell you, "I waited six years for you." This is the most honest, raw, feeling I have had this entire process. I was the baby for so long and I begged for a baby brother or sister. Then I got you. You were nothing that I expected and in the beginning I didn't understand what God had done.

Your autism diagnosis as well as your epilepsy came very early in your life. I didn't get it and when I learned you'd be nonverbal my heart was so broken. I always asked God to give you a voice, at least the type of voice I thought you needed, but that never happened. Instead he gave your life a voice and I can only pray that my life's voice screams as loud as yours did.

Growing up you were a force to be reckoned with lol. You were this extremely strong little guy that loved to run and play. You meddled everything! If it was bright and interesting, you were interested. You kept us on our toes and also in the best shape of our lives. I got to see you develop and meet milestones that no one ever thought you'd meet. I saw you learn things no one thought you'd learn. I challenged you to grow, even when it hurt me. There were so many times I just simply wanted to do things for you but because I loved you I showed you how to do them on your own.

I remember a trip you and I took to the store one day. I wanted to know if you were capable of making decisions on your own so I tested you. I picked up a snack I knew you hated and one I knew you loved and I simply asked, "which one do you want Jeremy?' Sure enough you picked the one I knew you would and from that day I held you to a higher standard. I myself worked on developing your ability to communicate better and more frequently. You did so well.

My life was centered around your needs, just like everyone else's was. It was natural for us to make decisions taking you into consideration. The biggest decision I had to make was you or college and you know you won. People ask me all the time "when are you graduating?" or "are you done with school?", and it once hurt my feelings. Because I made a choice to be with you in a time I didn't know if I'd have you much longer. I've been ridiculed for it and I have never cared. I'd choose you a million times again.

Each time I watched you fight through your sickness, it hurt me. But it also forced me to be at peace when it was time for you to transition. When you watch someone you love, someone so innocent, suffer; it changes you. The last few years of your life were hard for you and us. I held your hand tighter, I became softer with you, I loved you better. I learned that being your protector wasn't just defending you from others but also from myself. I learned to compose how I felt about situations and just do what was in your best interest. You helped me become a woman.

You taught me some really valuable life lessons, and you never even spoke a word. I love how no matter how you were feeling you'd smile from ear to ear, how small things made you grin. No matter what doctors said, you beat their odds. You were the most determined person in my life. I could sit and recollect each time you made a full recovery and awed your doctors. You were an amazing being brother, you never gave up.

I never knew graphic tees were so exciting until you found the excitement in them. I remember the first time I figured out you were fascinated by them , I giggled then when out and bought you a few. It became my tradition to gift you graphic tees for your birthday and holidays. I also told everyone else that's what you liked and so that is what they got you.

I love how you loved music! A good beat and a good voice. Your smile was so sweet when you'd hear songs that you liked. It warmed my heart every time you'd pull my face to your ear so I could sing to you, I'm really going to miss that. I often think of the way you communicated with us, it reminds me of a hum. You were always on pitch and in perfect tune! Lol. You had an amazing ear for music.

When you were little you had this toy bee that sang the ABC's. I hated that bee. "Hi, I'm the ABC Bee!", he'd say right before your thousandth time pressing for him to sing the ABC's. You looooooved that stupid bee man! Now I love him too. It amazed me how you'd always find your way to an instrument and start strumming, beating, or pressing keys like you just knew them all so well.

I have so many fond memories of you and I really could sit here for years and talk about them. Though your physical life is over and I am missing your presence, I know you are forever walking beside me. My love for you transcends this universe. Our souls will always be one and I will never forget what you were for me while we shared life together. It hurt to lose you but seeing you laying there looking so peaceful made it easier to accept.

So I will go on with this thought, "we are only passing by, we don't belong here." I hope that heaven is a blast! I know you are whole and healed having the time of your life. I see your smile every time I look into the clouds and that makes me smile. We'll meet again one day and I'll finally get to hear you speak. I look forward to our reunion. Until then, travel much and be my guide.

Love,

Your Big Sister.